Campus Cope: How to prepare for the worst at UCR … zombies

Scotty - Matt Hong/HIGHLANDER
Scotty – Matt Hong/HIGHLANDER

With increased pollution, the looming threat of nuclear war and bath salts, a zombie apocalypse occurring is not a question of if, but of when. When the Bell Tower crumbles into a pile of dust and the 91 freeway is empty for the first time ever, you may find yourself in a state of panic. Fortunately, we at the Highlander are here to help make sure that you all stay safe when the undead come knocking.

The Necessities

The first thing you’ll want to prep for the upcoming war is food and water. You’ll want to get a good stock of nonperishable foods that will provide plenty of energy. Having some water bottles or even canned water will be a great asset to have. Unfortunately, unless you’re like John Goodman in “10 Cloverfield Lane,” you’re going to run out of supplies and you’ll need to venture out into the zombie-infested world in order to restock; and when you do, you’ll need to be able to protect yourself.

Whether you’re hunting down your next meal or a zombie, you’d best be armed and ready. You should always have a knife and sharpener for random tasks at hand, like cutting rope or cloth, as well as self-defense. However, should you find yourself lacking a conventional weapon, like a knife, try to improvise; a baseball bat, a tire iron or even one of the many pens in the student life room at the HUB could be the difference between life and death.

Having a long-range weapon would also be advisable. Going for a gun is generally a person’s first thought when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, but one ought to remember that bows and arrows are also a great weapon to have on hand. The ammunition is reusable and they make infinitely less noise than a firearm, and fortunately for you students, Riverside Archery happens to be just a few miles away on Atlas Drive.

Now for transportation —  gas is going to become rather difficult to obtain and finding a way to power electric cars is going to be all but impossible. Your best bet in this scenario is to get a bike; it’s quiet, has great maneuverability and a renewable resource: you. A dirt bike or mountain bike is the best option, since they’re basically designed to last. Be sure to have a set of wrenches just in case you need to make any small repairs or adjustments. And if any of you think for a second that a hoverboard will be just fine, then I’d like to say, “I told you so,” before you die because it ran out of juice while you’re trying to escape a hoard of zombies.

Mentality

The last thing you’ll need to prepare is your mindset. Surviving the end of the world will take some real conviction. You’ll need to be prepared to kill people who were once your classmates, TA’s or even best friends. (However, the need to kill a zombie may come easier if you happen to bump into one that was once the professor who failed you in that one class.)

Getting through the end of the world will be a challenge, but with these helpful tips, I’m sure that you’ll all be hunky-dory. Just remember to get some rations, weapons and a way to get to where you need to go. Oh, and duct tape. I can’t tell you what you’re going to need it for, but when in doubt, duct tape. Good luck out there everybody, and hopefully, when the zombies rise up, so will you.

Facebook Comments