Horoscopes

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’re going to decide to not go to school one day this week. You will take your friend’s dad’s prized 1962 Ferrari GT California and get your significant other out of class, too. The three of you will drive to Chicago, where you will go to an art museum, a baseball game and enjoy a fine meal. However, your professor will be hunting you while you are gone, hell bent on catching you ditching class, and your sister will have a vendetta against you. Except she will end up meeting Charlie Sheen, so she’ll calm down eventually.

Pisces (Feb.19- March 20)
You talk to a little boy who sees dead people. You’re dead but you don’t know it. What a twist!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be chosen as tribute. Or rather, you will volunteer in order to save your younger sibling. You will have to compete against 23 other tributes. You will have to use your skills to survive in the wild, to hunt, at times to kill. You’ll be talented with a bow and arrow. You’ll be talented at catching the eye of viewers, even though you don’t like to boast. There may be a point where you have to pretend to have feelings for the other tribute from your district, in order to help you both get sponsors and survive. May the odds be ever be in your favor.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have a horrible life, until one day when a letter arrives by owl. Guess what, you are a wizard. You will find yourself saying goodbye to your cupboard under the stairs and enrolling in a magical school. Advice: stay away from trees that move by themselves, from dense forests, from things that make your forehead hurt, and from people who do not have a nose.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Save up your money and go buy yourself some chocolate this week. You will find that you won a golden ticket! Lucky you, now you can venture with a few other lucky winners to see more about how the chocolate is prepared. You will meet some eccentric people. Some of them will be short. They will be orange. They will have green hair. Don’t stare at them. Don’t be a spoiled brat and ask for a squirrel as a pet. Don’t eat a gum that supposedly claims to taste like a three-course meal…

Cancer (June 21 – July 21)
All your life you will be afraid of bats. Then one day you will decide that the best way to overcome this is to become one. You will order hundreds of bat masks and a really neat car and you will walk around your city and take the law into your own hands. You will talk as though you have just recovered from losing your voice. After saving the city from a villanous clown and a man with half a face, you will disappear for a while. Why? Because you are the hero your city deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So you’ll be hunted because you can take it. Because you are not their hero. You are a silent guardian, a watchful protector…a dark knight.

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
When you were born, a monkey raised you up for everyone to see. Years later, you realize your kingdom is everything the light touches. So of course, you go where the light does not reach. One thing leads to another and your father dies because of a herd of wild wildebeests. Your uncle blames you, you run away. You start seeing your father in the clouds. You are either schizophrenic, or somehow seeing your father’s ghost. Either way it helps you realize your destiny and you run home to reclaim your kingdom. You defeat your uncle. It rains, you roar.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You get a ticket to an indestructible unsinkable ship. It sinks. Or it starts to, but you don’t mind because you’re busy falling in love with a cute boy. He saves your life, you both end up in the freezing water. He helps you onto a door, and you promise him you will never let go. You let go.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Remember those childhood toys you donated to a little girl when you first moved to attend UCR? Well, they would come to life when you weren’t looking.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
After reading this you will die in seven days.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
This week you should concentrate on running. Run, you, run! You may not be a smart person, but at least you know what love is. Your life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. Sometimes you don’t like the flavors you pick. That’s okay, because you can always eat shrimp. Shrimp creole. Shrimp gumbo. Pineapple shrimp. Lemon shrimp. Coconut shrimp. Pepper shrimp. Shrimp soup! Shrimp stew! Shrimp salad, too! Fried shrimp, dyed shrimp, boiled shrimp, not-yet-spoiled shrimp!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Your life is a dream within a dream. And you know what it is like to be a lover, to be half of a whole. You’re waiting for a train to take you far away. You know where you hope the train will take you, but you don’t know for sure. But it doesn’t matter to you, where the train will take you, because you’ll be together.

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