McDonald’s is exactly what you expect

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Courtesy of Pixabay
Name: McDonald’s
Rating: N/A
Location: 2242 University Ave Riverside, CA 92507
Price Range: $
Hours: 24 hours
Category: Fast Food, Burgers, Salads, Chicken, Much More
Credit/Debit Card: Yes
Takeout: Yes
Delivery: No
Other amenities:

 

Nothing screams America quite louder than the shite lords of fast food chains: McDonald’s. Now, to be fair, most of the people who work at McDonald’s are honest people, mostly young, and don’t mean to poison the populace with their products and this review is in no way a commentary on the workers. Look, everyone loves a paycheck, OK? Including a celebrity chef such as myself. That being said, I tried three of their more popular products for your reading pleasure: the Big Mac, Chicken McNuggets and french fries. You’re welcome.

The Big Mac

Let’s not waste any time — the Big Mac is the most well-known cheeseburger on the planet, competition none. We’re dealing with three buns, two beef patties, a single slice of cheese, diced onions, pickles, lettuce and the signature Big Mac sauce. The burger’s got enough fat, salt, carbohydrates and calories to ruin your day, but its $3.49 price point pardons its patheticness to some degree. There are worse decisions one can make when picking food, such as starving or eating bubble gum. That’s about it.

Its menu photograph suggests a thing of beauty almost, the Tower of Babel in the fast food world with its contents stacked up to suggest its superiority. But appearances are deceiving now, aren’t they? You know just as fucking well as I do that the Big Mac is a bland amalgamation of bread, salt and tart, courtesy of its disgustingly dry excuse for buns, an ungodly amount of salt applied to just about everything and a putrid sauce not even the hungriest dog would attribute positive feelings toward. An absolute piss poor reminder to prepare your own meals or at the very least go to fucking In-N-Out where at least a semblance of heart is put into the product. One more time for the densest of you idiots clinging onto every bit of nostalgia this corporation has injected into your arteries adjacent to the plaque signaling your nearing health complications: Sod off from the Big Mac.

Don’t eat at McDonald’s … Or do. It’s your own sodding life.

Chicken McNuggets

Test: Try pronouncing polydimethylsiloxane. Didn’t think so. How about tertiary butylhydroquinone? Of course you can’t, no one can. McDonald’s McNuggets are, as Judge Robert Sweet put it in Pelman v McDonald’s Corp. back in 2002, a “McFrankenstein” product no human should have the misfortune of consuming: Remnants of chicken meat polymerized into deceivingly golden gobbets. Like the Big Mac, McNuggets look delicious but of course “look” is the operative word.

One bite of a nugget alone instilled images of bog-dipped chicken topped off with salt — bloody inexcusable. “OK but Chef Ramsay: Have you had them with the barbecue sauce?” Fuck off. Absolutely, completely, 125 percent fuck right off: I did and can you guess what it tasted like? Damn disgusting, indicative of high-fructose corn syrup and nothing else. Pitiful, really.

French Fries

For the sake of this article, I will refrain from referring to chips as chips because Americans insist “fries” is a more appropriate term. Might as well call anything one puts in the oven as bakes. But I digress.

How does one fuck up french fries? One of the simplest junk foods to produce yet there are some souls who cannot for the life of them put out halfway decent fries. Potatoes, oil, salt. Simple. Naturally, texture is key and soggy fries are the bane of any genuine french fry lover’s culinary existence. Thankfully, McDonald’s produces quality fries. Most of the time at least.

Admittedly, I have experienced McDonald’s fries on multiple occasions. At times overly salted with a handful being soggier than I prefer and other times the stuff of fast food legend. Simply put, McDonald’s puts out quality fries that very often contain the perfect ratio of potato to its crispy golden exterior.

Conclusion

Don’t eat at McDonald’s. Excuse me — don’t eat at McDonald’s unless you’re craving top-tier fries for next to bloody nothing or a fucking mountain of salt the corporation wants you to believe qualifies as a hamburger. Or do. It’s your own sodding life.

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