Comic Candor: Worst of January: Comic Book Covers

Hi there. Take a deep breath, clear your mind. Let’s play a little word association game. What’s the first name that comes to mind when I say: bad comic book artist? Well, if you possess even a cursory knowledge of comics, then there’s a good chance you’ve got Rob Liefeld on your mind. Visualize the horrors that flow freely from his tasteless imagination. No amount of bleach could ever wipe the mangled depiction of Wonder Girl’s spine twisting like a bendy straw for an aerial shot of her teenaged breasts, or every laughably disproportionate Cable wielding guns that would never fire in reality. And let’s not forget Liefeld’s complete inability to draw human feet. Or if you were actually thinking of that old character design you doodled in the sixth grade because you thought you were going to be the next big thing in comics, well then I’m sorry for dredging up those memories. It could have been worse. You could have grown up to be Rob Liefeld.

It came as a blessing when Liefeld and DC parted ways, and even more so when we stopped seeing his art in comics since around mid-2012. But he wasn’t the only one, guys. How can any of us forget the infamous “Catwoman #0” cover art by Guillem March, featuring Selina Kyle in a zipped-down catsuit and a back-breaking boobs + butt pose. The revised cover wasn’t much of an improvement either. There are more Liefelds and Marchs out there, and they are plaguing our comic books under the war cry, “Anatomy? LOL.” Here is a delightful selection from the worst cover art of January’s comic book releases.

1. “Queen Sonja #33” (Artist: Lucio Parrillo)

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Tentacles? Really? Now you’re just making my job way too easy. By the by, how does that chainmail bra stay on without a front bridge at the very least? I don’t know what sort of fighting stance you’re going for, Sonja, but that’s not how you kill a tentacle monster.

2. “The Cletus and Floyd Show #1” (Artist: Frank Forte, Gene McGuckin)

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This is too horrifying for words. I mean, just look at that visible armpit hair.

3. “Jennifer Blood #21” (Artist: Mike Mayhew)

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If you don’t immediately spot the problem with this picture, you must have grown up in a family of contortionists, or on the set of “The Exorcist.” In this exciting issue, Jennifer Blood will snap her spine in two, while elegantly dodging bullets, all for the sake of boobs + butt fan service. Word of advice: if anyone you know starts posing like this, you should probably call a priest or an ambulance—preferably both.

4. “War Goddess #12” (Artist: Jason Eden)

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Oh my, where to begin? The only logical explanation for this getup is that Pandora’s war goddess breasts are so powerful they made nipple dents in the armor, if it can even be called that. Apparently “war goddess” doesn’t necessarily mean “war expert.” Her chest plate is doing a bad job at covering what it’s supposed to be shielding, and her back, arms, throat and abdomen are completely exposed here. Not to mention her face headpiece does nothing to protect the top and back of her head. Defense aside, her malformed right arm appears to be directing the dagger away from the imminent danger in the foreground. And just a thought, but maybe if your objective is to slash the giant, black claws you shouldn’t be looking up at the viewer. Eyes down there, Pandora.

5. “Danger Girl/G.I. Joe #5” (Artist: J. Scott Campbell)

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Look out, everyone. The cheesecake king has arrived and he’s brought us a real treat, but internal organs don’t seem to be included. Note that both Abbey and Sydney sport waists that are narrower than the diameter of their heads. Maybe their organs slid down those swayed backs and into their buttocks, which appear to be doing a lot of sliding themselves. Abbey’s right cheek is in perfect side profile, while the rest of her stands at a 3/4 view. Also, will someone please get the message to Campbell that this is not how clothing works? The T-shirt Abbey is “wearing” on the cover isn’t skintight, it’s painted on.

6. “FLY: The Fall #4” (Artist: Ivan Nunes)

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I have no clue as to why Mary decided to strap two ostrich eggs to her chest, but I’m pretty certain they’re going to fall off without proper support. And look, hypodermic needles because why not? Maybe she’s planning on injecting those ostrich embryos with growth hormones.

7. “Witchblade #163” (Artist: John Tyler Christopher)

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“WTF” is right, Sara. I’m sure those matching stank faces are intended for the artist, who clearly hurled perspective right out the window when he decided to draw all the attention to the title carved that’s been into the brass knuckles. Swag, you’re doing it wrong.

8. “Warlord of Mars: Dejah Thoris #21” (Artist: Fabiano Neves)

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Presenting her royal Martianness Dejah Thoris, a princess who has been trained in sword fighting and hand-to-hand combat, yet manages to get herself abducted or in need of rescue in just about every story arc. Hey Dejah, you might consider swapping in all that bling and the semitransparent strips of curtain for actual body armor. But you know what, I’m sure your vital organs will be fine as long as your nipples are capped in gold. Still, maybe you should think about not wearing heels on rocky alien terrain. Just a thought.

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