“CaffAttack” Review

Photo by Wesley Ng
Photo by Wesley Ng

There are three very basic things I expect from my shows: straightforward explanations, uncluttered presentations and necessary information. I neither want nor need “plot” and “setting,” which are archaic leftovers from a bygone era. These are generally understood facts, right? Will someone leave a memo for director Quentin Tarantino IV?

Tarantino’s fourth clone recently released “CaffAttack,” which promised an in-depth look at the latest caffeine pill to hit the market. The show failed. I had to sit through a dull five minutes of experimental character building, in which a brother returns home after an inter-planet trip and shares a tender moment with his sister. As heartwarming as that may sound, what does that have to do with CaffAttack? Let me tell you: nothing.

The entire show’s run time is an unusually long 10 minutes, and everything a potential buyer wants to see is reserved for CaffAttack’s final three minutes, during which the company’s trademark voiceover describes the pill and how it can benefit your life. I learned that CaffAttack promises three days worth of sleepless productivity with little to no side effects, and a pack of 200 is available for just three easy payments of $9.99. All of those facts sound delightful, but since I had to sit through Tarantino IV’s attempt to be “artsy,” I now view the product he was trying to promote through a negative lens. When I think “CaffAttack,” I don’t think about the work I’d be able to accomplish—I think about the pointless way in which the brother smiled at his sister before they shared a hug, and how I lost five minutes of my life which I will never get back.

Tarantino IV tried to harken back to late 20th century entertainment, in which audiences were willing to sit through shows that lasted anywhere from 30 minutes to three hours. But Tarantino IV needs to understand that his character building storylines are best reserved for art houses—or better yet, his parent’s basement, where nobody has to waste their time dancing around the show’s central message. I want purpose. I want info. I want something engaging, immersive and immediately beneficial, and storylines from 2009 just won’t cut it.

Unsurprisingly, this latest release was met with a small number of ardent supporters and an overwhelming number of bad reviews. I attribute its mild success to the Tarantino name, which is supported by a niche group of diehard retro fans, but I warn you against thinking that this clone is breaking any ground. Storylines are dead and gone. With that said, I think CaffAttack deserves another chance at capturing the attention of its target audience. If the company wants to jazz things up, perhaps they can recruit Michael Bay’s clone, whose spontaneous explosions provide an unmatched charm and element of surprise to his productions.

Either way, CaffAttack seems like a promising product that guarantees the same amount of work hours as its competitors without any harmful side effects. Unlike Constant Caffeine and Adder-All-Nighter, which have garnered some negativity after inducing heart attacks in buyers after their first 48 hours, CaffAttack emphasizes its zero-calorie, natural approach to keeping the body awake and fully functional. CaffAttack: the Pill That Pops Back.

That’s how it’s done, Tarantino IV.

 Rating: 1 star

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