Editorial: Get your hands off their booty! And Culture!
The amount of fake pirates on this campus is too damn high!
It should come as no surprise to any of the readers that this would be the topic we would feel we need to...
Restaurant Review: New Era
If you have ever been down University Avenue you may have noticed a boarded up brown building in between the Dynamite Café and Solar Panel Movie Theater. Recently, a respected age-old establishment bought this...
UC Riverside becomes completely privatized
This past spring break at an impromptu meeting, administrators of the University of California, Riverside were informed that winter 2014 would be its last quarter with public funding. In a detailed manifesto, titled “My...
Magic Johnson sells Dodgers for $5
RIO-SIDE
Erving “Magic” Johnson immediately regretted his decision to buy the Dodgers for $2.15 billion dollars. Realizing how worthless of an investment the Dodgers would turn out to be in the short and long term,...
Horoscopes
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
You’re going to decide to not go to school one day this week. You will take your friend’s dad’s prized 1962 Ferrari GT California and get your significant other...
UCR Around the Galaxy: Earth’s first student to study abroad in Mars
Name: Marie Goodall van Leeuwenhoek
Year: Junior
Major: Microbiology
Area of Study: Extraterrestrial Studies
Planet: Mars
When our space ship Minerva landed on the surface of Mars a few months ago, I looked out the window to get a...
Jack Nicholson buys Bing Center season tickets
"You can't handle the truth!" were the last words Jack Nicholson snarled at Los Angeles Lakers owner Jim Buss IV following the Lakers’ latest home loss to the Washington Bullets, which dropped the team...
UCR men’s baseball coach Troy Percival: “I’m back.”
UC Riverside’s baseball Head Coach Troy Percival held an emergency press conference on Sunday, April 1 to make an announcement that he said would change lives. When Percival stepped up to the mic he...
Write-Off: Be pro-grizzly for a better UCR
An ancient proverb from the country of Snoglandia features the grizzly bear as the omnipotent symbol of wisdom. The beautiful, furry creature is probably the most underrated and underappreciated creature in American society. Since...
Highlander Hilarity
The Spring Quarter Shenanigans
It's that time of year again — the ________ (adjective) Spring Quarter is here, and the ________ (noun, plural) are ________ (verb, present tense) around campus ________ (adverb). With ________ (noun)...